Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
