he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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