So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
