oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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