This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
