bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
