apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
