I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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