yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If I die, sorry about rent.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
