I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
