I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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