theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i think my cat just said my name.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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