When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
