i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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