Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
