Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
