I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
