she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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