Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
