i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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