ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
