He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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