Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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