Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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