I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
