I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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