Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
