So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
