Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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