I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
is it fun? or sober?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
