hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
