I wish I could teleport
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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