1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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