Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
