i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I understand Curling. That high.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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