I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
