the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
