history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
