mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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