yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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