Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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