Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
