you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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