It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
