dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
