my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
