He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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