I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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