I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
