Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
